"Hit and Run" Conversations--
I am so tired of this--and it is ruining hopes of relationships.
Unwillingly, I became part of a “hit and run” conversation. I was the “hittee” in the case, with the “runner” being someone who sent out an email to a fairly extensive group that accused me of mistreating another person.
One person on the list, full of righteous anger, immediately chimed in, echoing the thoughts of the “runner.” I contacted some of the other “hittees” and suggested they let the email string go silent.
I know only too well what can happen here. The “hittees” and their defenders would quickly become “hitters and runners” themselves, significantly increasing the possibility of irreparable relationship breaks.
The origin of the hit-and-run post had heard one side of a complicated set of exchanges. I can certainly understand the angry response to the story from that viewpoint. But, of course, there is always, yes, always, another side, differing angles, an additional set of interpretations of the series of events.
And none of this should have been aired electronically to multiple people. Malicious gossip is bad enough, but this is gossip on steroids and far, far more destructive.
I am of the age that I remember handwritten letters, often full of emotion and love and anguish, sent off with expectations of a reply only days or weeks, sometimes even months and years, later. Time to settle down, think of other things, and consider other options.
Was communication kinder then? I think so. At least it was slower, more thoughtful and demanded good brain work and some command of the language.
And that is another gift we have lost: the command of our language. A recent opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal (this is a free link) vividly described it.
The opening paragraph:
My wife and I attended a dinner at a friend’s house. I was seated next to a young lady I had never met, but I knew she was an Ivy League graduate. During our dinner chat, she managed to lace into our conversation a string of vulgarities covering the gamut of things I wasn’t allowed to say as a child.
The writer then spoke of the paucity of language skills that led to debasing the art of conversation. And he was right: we have lost the ability to use our words with skill and wit. Yes, we can still “hit” with words, but at least face-to-face language takes away the “run” and the ability to, in the best of outcomes, enter into dialogue that may lead to a more comprehensive awareness of our life situations.
Now, Pope Leo XIV has called for more responsible language use (free link) in the media. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world?
When I was having lunch with a friend recently, we spoke about how debased verbal interchange has become in the last decade. We both agreed that Mr. Trump, despite what many see as considerable strengths in his leadership, is also the primary driver behind the cruder use of language.
His mastery of social media and its ability to magnify the impact of a below-the-belt comment many times over has resulted in all of us swimming in the degrading muck of insult, ridicule, and downright malice. In return, he garners millions of “likes” with many of those “likers” taking it upon themselves to spread the noxious muck further, all cheering themselves on when someone else “likes” their “like.”
The problem, of course, is that reasoned words, those that look at situations with sympathetic eyes and from many viewpoints, rarely get a “like.” Mostly, such carefully crafted words are ignored or, even better, ridiculed, which will then get the “likes.” And we do like the “likes.”
These communication methods are symptoms of a sick system populated with emotionally-stunted human beings. It is time to grow up, to heal ourselves.
We do not put up with hit-and-run automobile accidents from anyone (unless the perp is rich and famous), and we should not put up with hit-and-run discourse from anyone, especially when the perp is rich and famous.
Will there be a cost to pay for taking the high road? Let’s not be naive here. Of course. That’s a given.
To return to my experience of the character-slamming email: What is a high-road response here?
I forced myself to ask the question, “Could I have handled my own part in this misunderstood situation better?” Yes, I believe I could have, yet I know I sought clarity about the situation from this particular person and received a zero response.
The questions in front of me:
Would it help to give an angry reply to all? Don’t be ridiculous.
Do I suspect my reputation has been stained by it? I can provide a sadly confident “yes” to this one.
Can I fix this? I have reluctantly decided the answer is “no.”
Does it bother me? Yes, it does.
Have I ever done, accidentally or purposefully, something similar to someone else? Of course I have.
Have I caused hurt and anguish to others by my actions and thoughtless words? Well, I’d put money on a “yes” answer to this one as well.
So what now? I’ve decided to live with the damage but to refrain from hanging my head low, even with the current version of the Scarlett “A” emblazoned across my chest. I will operate from integrity, leaving others free to make their own decisions about me and my life.
Will this make me a more boring person? Probably, but, frankly, I’m not all that far from the bottom of boring anyway. I’ve written elsewhere about my inability to speak the Southern girl code language. This is my life. We are all damaged in our own ways.
My situation is nothing more than a tiny amoeba in the ocean of human misery. Even so, if I, as that infinitesimally small collection of living cells, decide to offer peace to myself and to others, I may end up changing everything I touch. One never knows.
Two of the best (and life-changing pieces of advice) I got on triangulation was: You don't have to get drawn into a mighty coud of witnesses, or be the hypotenuse in their triangle. Simply stay quiet. The other was: don't just do something! Stand there.
Both have served me well. I don't have to go into overdrive to rehabilitate my reputation. It's become pretty easy.
"In a world where you can be anything, be kind." I think you follow that. So we slip every now and then. That's what apologies and forgiveness are for (and forgiveness is included in the most important Christian prayer of all). Knee jerk responses and knee jerk electronic communications are to be avoided at all costs. We do need more "mediators" amongst us. "What! She did that? That's so unusual of her. Maybe someone should check with her on her health or troubles?" And yes, I think we are all culpable of not paying attention to our words, tones, and quips. But we are, after all, only humans.